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Tag : mental health

06 Dec 2017

I just want to make art for the sake of it.  I just want to express myself through it.  I use it to say my piece.  It’s therapy.  It allows me a way of coping.

I understand the logic of making art for a living if that’s what one loves to do, but I don’t want my art to pay my way.  I don’t want to profit from my art.  If I did that would make it a means to survive.  That’s what toiling in the fields is.  A means to survive.  That’s why we work the crops or make ourselves slaves to the economic world.

I don’t want my art to be that.  I don’t want it to be the yield of my crop because then I would have to tend to it as if it was.  I would have to make sure that it was in bartering condition and spend much time marketing it so that it brings a return on my investment.  That’s not what I want my art to do.

My art allows my soul to breathe.  It moves the blood through the veins of the spirit in me.  I want it to do the same for others or at least help to inspire them in some way that makes their lives better.  The return on that investment can’t be measured in gold or any form of currency.  That brings life.  Real life.  

That’s all I want from my art.

07 Sep 2017
06 Sep 2017

Did you know that every day I obsess over what I didn’t get done and that my failures from this lead me into a depressive low? Unfortunately for me it’s my depression that gets in the way of getting things done, so it’s a burdoning cycle that feeds on itself.  

It steals my energy. It blinds me to all the good that I’ve accomplished by constantly judging me for each goal that I have missed. It tells me over and over that good intentions are not enough. Only success is acceptable.

People only see each other from the outside. We only see the results. I don’t think we are capable of understanding the wars that are fought inside, much less see them.

My life is built around me accomplishing things. Getting stuff done allows me to take control and direct my life.

No matter the reason I’m accountable for my life. There are no excuses. Either do or don’t. No points for effort. No one seems to care about how hard I’m trying. No one wants to know.

I feel so alone. So terribly alone.

Suicide is never chosen. It happens when pain exceeds the capability to cope with it.

When I was in the hospital last year for two weeks after having cancer surgery. Only one friend came by to visit. Only one other friend sent a greeting (way cool balloons & teddy bear). I don’t remember if anyone outside of relatives called. I felt really alone.

The way it works is the ones who proclaim that they are here for you never are when you need them.  The ones who really are don’t proclaim anything. They just show up bring nourishing love.

What does one do when nobody shows up?

27 Jun 2017

It’s so me

I get upset when I consider who does not and who really does gets me. It is not a deal breaker, though.

11 Jun 2017

I’m straight struggling, here

Don’t know where I’m going
I just keep on rowing
I just keep on rowing
Gotta row

07 Jun 2017

Inside these walls

Another place to hide it all

03 Jun 2017

Another

always. every time.

17 May 2017

I stay away

find a place inside your heart and hide away

14 May 2017

So yesterday we went to the movies.  It was a good movie and I enjoyed myself.

Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was