I’m straight struggling, here
Don’t know where I’m going
I just keep on rowing
I just keep on rowing
Sometimes I feel like I’m swimming upstream through a muddy river of my own blood and guts fighting to keep from going over the falls which empty into some forever dark, misty abyss. Upstream my sanity hangs crucified from the side of a giant, rusted gate, the only opening in a miles long fence made from steam punk metal.
Carvings of all my failed dreams create a grid styled in paisley tattoo on the sweating fence panels. Inside dwells the remnants of a carnival struggling to hold onto the appearance of festive.
My heart cannot hide from the pain as I succumb to the darkness again.
Another low settles in.
Sometimes I think the pain blows my mind
I’ve been in this depressed malaise since June. It has held me back from doing so many ideas of projects that I decided that I should do. Laying here in my bed recovering from yesterday’s medical emergency so very frustrated over what I haven’t even started. Praying for strength.
human is hard work.
I know that you wish that you knew me better. It shows in all those conversations that we don’t have.
I don’t like myself right now. It’s not a question of self-love, but more of a feeling that I’m not being the person that I want to be right now. It’s problematic to me and I’m frustrated because of it.
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Creative people oftentimes get attached to their darkness, especially if they use it to draw inspiration for their work. No, I’m not suggesting that people are going out of their way to feel depressed. If you’ve struggled with depression for a long time, there is something familiar and comforting in it in a way that is not even conscious.
Lots of people I meet see a strong link between depression and the level of their creativity. Some reason that it is, in fact, depression that feeds their creative side, that creativity is not theirs and rather a byproduct of their depression. I’ve met lots of people who give depression the credit for their work.
Depression and the fear of losing your creativity –whether you are aware of it or not- keeps you trapped inside yourself because it blurs your senses. This is an almost universal fear common with creative types and I don’t think it is something learned. Yes, depression has been linked with creativity but there is no cause and effect at play.
Yeah, it’s almost like a Catch 22. We reach a point where we’re actively trying to escape the bindings of depression, but we have found so much inspiration for our art through it that we fear the improvement will have an adverse affect on what we create. The above article discusses this challenge that many of us artist struggle to overcome.
The bicycle trip for repair tools took a lot out of me. Consequently, I was left without enough strength to finish repairing my truck today. The frustration is overwhelming, but I’m trying…