You just broke the internet

Category : Journal

06 Sep 2017

Did you know that every day I obsess over what I didn’t get done and that my failures from this lead me into a depressive low? Unfortunately for me it’s my depression that gets in the way of getting things done, so it’s a burdoning cycle that feeds on itself.  

It steals my energy. It blinds me to all the good that I’ve accomplished by constantly judging me for each goal that I have missed. It tells me over and over that good intentions are not enough. Only success is acceptable.

People only see each other from the outside. We only see the results. I don’t think we are capable of understanding the wars that are fought inside, much less see them.

My life is built around me accomplishing things. Getting stuff done allows me to take control and direct my life.

No matter the reason I’m accountable for my life. There are no excuses. Either do or don’t. No points for effort. No one seems to care about how hard I’m trying. No one wants to know.

I feel so alone. So terribly alone.

Suicide is never chosen. It happens when pain exceeds the capability to cope with it.

When I was in the hospital last year for two weeks after having cancer surgery. Only one friend came by to visit. Only one other friend sent a greeting (way cool balloons & teddy bear). I don’t remember if anyone outside of relatives called. I felt really alone.

The way it works is the ones who proclaim that they are here for you never are when you need them.  The ones who really are don’t proclaim anything. They just show up bring nourishing love.

What does one do when nobody shows up?

11 Jul 2017
Relationships don’t create joy, they reflect it — Mitra Shahidi
10 Jul 2017

All I really want

and what I wouldn’t give to find a kindred,
someone else to catch this drift

27 Jun 2017

It’s so me

I get upset when I consider who does not and who really does gets me. It is not a deal breaker, though.

11 Jun 2017

I’m straight struggling, here

Don’t know where I’m going
I just keep on rowing
I just keep on rowing
Gotta row

07 Jun 2017

But if you can make sense of it..

So many times I find myself in a struggle because of it.

29 May 2017

I got too much time to think about that young woman.
Where the rest of y’all at?
Is this any way to treat a fraction?

29 May 2017

Memorial Day 2017

Let’s really honor our fallen soldiers and those who gave their lives for our country by refusing to send our soldiers off to unnecessary wars and combats anymore

24 May 2017

Yeah, pretty much this

Well except that cracked window stuff.