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Category : Journal

04 Oct 2017

I’ve been in love with a woman who has never existed
and
probably
never will

 

25 Sep 2017

I’m way too caught up in this discussion (or maybe not) but I want to share my personal thoughts on this respecting the flag nonsense. Yes, I just called it nonsense. That’s because that flag is but a symbol. What that means is it stands for something. Well, the ideas that it stands for have never really happened in this land that it flies over. If it deserves such honor then that should mean that idea deserves honor. So what happens when the idea is always being just a nice idea and not really acted upon as a way of life? What is there to take pride in? It’s a false concept.

The American flag is supposed to stand for something just and correct, but too often it brings just the opposite. It would seem that a patriotic thought would be to make sure that we are living up to that idea. If we’re not then who are we to claim offense?

The idea and the concept is worthy of adulation, but we fall way short of even trying to reach for that plateau. That’s a reality that I find by ignoring it is offensive and a disgrace. If a person wants to demand reverence and respect for an idea that’s nice, but ideas are not reality and reality is a lie if we do not intend to make those ideas into reality.

If the symbol is supported by the reality of the idea then by all means keep it holy, but a symbol is just an object. It has no real value. It represents an idea that in our country (these United States of America) is more fantasy than a truth that was ever an honest goal. To that extent I simply have no feeling for it one way or another. It’s not important to me. What is important is what we do in the name of that symbol.

06 Sep 2017

Did you know that every day I obsess over what I didn’t get done and that my failures from this lead me into a depressive low? Unfortunately for me it’s my depression that gets in the way of getting things done, so it’s a burdoning cycle that feeds on itself.  

It steals my energy. It blinds me to all the good that I’ve accomplished by constantly judging me for each goal that I have missed. It tells me over and over that good intentions are not enough. Only success is acceptable.

People only see each other from the outside. We only see the results. I don’t think we are capable of understanding the wars that are fought inside, much less see them.

My life is built around me accomplishing things. Getting stuff done allows me to take control and direct my life.

No matter the reason I’m accountable for my life. There are no excuses. Either do or don’t. No points for effort. No one seems to care about how hard I’m trying. No one wants to know.

I feel so alone. So terribly alone.

Suicide is never chosen. It happens when pain exceeds the capability to cope with it.

When I was in the hospital last year for two weeks after having cancer surgery. Only one friend came by to visit. Only one other friend sent a greeting (way cool balloons & teddy bear). I don’t remember if anyone outside of relatives called. I felt really alone.

The way it works is the ones who proclaim that they are here for you never are when you need them.  The ones who really are don’t proclaim anything. They just show up bring nourishing love.

What does one do when nobody shows up?

11 Jul 2017
Relationships don’t create joy, they reflect it — Mitra Shahidi
10 Jul 2017

All I really want

and what I wouldn’t give to find a kindred,
someone else to catch this drift

27 Jun 2017

It’s so me

I get upset when I consider who does not and who really does gets me. It is not a deal breaker, though.

11 Jun 2017

I’m straight struggling, here

Don’t know where I’m going
I just keep on rowing
I just keep on rowing
Gotta row

07 Jun 2017

But if you can make sense of it..

So many times I find myself in a struggle because of it.

29 May 2017

I got too much time to think about that young woman.
Where the rest of y’all at?
Is this any way to treat a fraction?