That hidden pain

Did you know that every day I obsess over what I didn’t get done and that my failures from this lead me into a depressive low? Unfortunately for me it’s my depression that gets in the way of getting things done, so it’s a burdoning cycle that feeds on itself.  

It steals my energy. It blinds me to all the good that I’ve accomplished by constantly judging me for each goal that I have missed. It tells me over and over that good intentions are not enough. Only success is acceptable.

People only see each other from the outside. We only see the results. I don’t think we are capable of understanding the wars that are fought inside, much less see them.

My life is built around me accomplishing things. Getting stuff done allows me to take control and direct my life.

No matter the reason I’m accountable for my life. There are no excuses. Either do or don’t. No points for effort. No one seems to care about how hard I’m trying. No one wants to know.

I feel so alone. So terribly alone.

Suicide is never chosen. It happens when pain exceeds the capability to cope with it.

When I was in the hospital last year for two weeks after having cancer surgery. Only one friend came by to visit. Only one other friend sent a greeting (way cool balloons & teddy bear). I don’t remember if anyone outside of relatives called. I felt really alone.

The way it works is the ones who proclaim that they are here for you never are when you need them.  The ones who really are don’t proclaim anything. They just show up bring nourishing love.

What does one do when nobody shows up?

 

 

 

Leave a Reply


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


copyright © 2001-2018 Kayelless. All rights reserved.

Generic selectors
Exact matches only
Search in title
Search in content
Search in posts
Search in pages
Filter by Categories
Art
Audio
AudioVideo
Blog
Content
Dialogue
Erotic art
Food
Images
InConvo
Journal
Living with Depression
Pages
PDFs
PicArt
Pics
Pictures
Portrait
Streets
Video
Words